Okra and Intestinal Parasite Poems

On 06 August 1997 we got word that Colonel Benoit was in the hospital with bad stomach problems. Speculation ran from giardiasis to food poisoning from stuff he ate at the North East Georgia conclave the weekend before. One thing led to another, and a rash of putrid verse followed. I think it makes a nice FF@ Get Well wish for Ben. If it doesn't put him back in the hospital, that is....

From: Claude Freaner
Subject: Col. Ben's Problem...

...can be directly attributed to that Jambalya he was held down and forced to eat at NEG. I mean, after all, anyone who would cook with OKRA!!!!
AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!

When you're cookin' up some cajun,
Watch your recipe book pagin'.
Or like Col. Ben,
You'll find out why when
Your insides get started ragin'!

Ducking (a la'Orange, of course) and running...

From: Rob Tucker
Subject: Kernel Haiku

Boiling and bubbling
Bad Jambalaya backlash
Kernel's guts on fire

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Giardia Haiku

technicolor yawn
cold sweat, fever, tummy cramps
lick knots at your risk

beaver piss downtime
flaming guts a la Benoit
grab the pink stuff, fast

From: Hilary Thompson
Subject: okra

There was a young Colonel named Ben
Whose guts in tight twists did end
It might have been Okra
But he found it no Jokra
When Haiku FF@ did send

From: Douglas G. Platt
Subject: Ben Benoit

There once was a colonel named Ben
who a NEC clave did attend
The clavers said we will poke ya
If you don't eat all your okra
So for Ben his nightmare begin

Working magic with his rod he was dreaming
When suddenly his guts they was screaming
From his bed he rapidly trod
To knell before the porcelian god
His stomach was getting a cleaning

Now they treated him with haiku
And the limmericks they did ensue
To his doctor Ben went
and to the hospital was he sent
And Mikey said who can we sue

To the Colonel we say
Please get well, today
Of your illness we're sorry to hear
And we hope you see your way clear
To make thoses culprits pay

From: Claude Freaner
Subject: More on [sic] Col. Ben's Problem...

Seve writes:
>Now that Bens innerds have been limericked, maybe its time that they
> be haiku'd - any takers?! Chris?

While not up CK's rigid standards, and not even mentioning Ben's innerds, I'll submit

okra, rice, and shrimp,
slowly cooked together wastes
the rice and the shrimp

From: Blake Werner
Subject: Giardiasis, Oh My!

Heh, yesterday when someone put out the request for hiaku medicine for the kernel I shot one out. It seems Danny just may have stuck a haiku filter on the server. The question is, Is it too good or Is it too bad?

leave it to beaver
he put the good kernel down
time to tie in bed

From: Steve Davenport
Subject: A Crack at Parasite Haiku

Parasites abound
Colonel's sphincter pucker'd tight
Don't drink the water

From: Richard Frank
Subject: Giardia + okra haiku

Big pain in the gut
Giardia retard ya
Antibiotics

Feeling better now
Eat a deep fried okra snack
Big pain in the gut

And finally, a word or two of explanation from the Colonel himself:

From: Ben Benoit
Subject: The Ballad of Giardiasis

Listen my children and you shall hear,
Of the most often talked about fly fishing fear,
'Twas on the second of August at Stevie's festooch,
That I managed to tangle with parasites on the loose.

His five days of temps soaring high in the sky,
Made Betsy go crazy while he bellowed and cried,
"Call the docs, and the lawyers, even though we just wed,
Enjoy these last moments as soon I'll be dead!

But she's no dumb lady inspite of his gloom,
As she whisked him off to the the Emergency Room.
"Please behave yourself Ben" were her words of advice,
Stop moaning and groaning and try to be nice!

Two days in the big house kept the staff on their toes,
While the Kernel directed the staff to be be bold,
Here Cratchett and Cutie, where the hell are my smokes,
You hide 'em again and you get no new jokes!

The ice chip diet was hardly a treat,
While the six tubes inside me pierced deep in my meat,
My lower bowel groaned sending pains through the bod,
They even sent the chaplain who beckoned to God.

"Dear lord save this man, he's foolish" said he,
"He sucked on a tippet and fell to his knee,
Rid his frail body of a flinger's worst fear,
And teach him to watch how he uses his gear".

It may have been Mikey's tuna,
The lab reports will unfold,
Mox nix the salmonella,
It was Giardia, I've been told.

But the Kernel was strong and the drugs did the trick,
He was discharged today and was told to go home,
"Bed rest for you, said the Doc,
And stay off of the phone".

A lesson was learned,
And he share's it with all,
Suck the tippet my friend,
And you'll get the call.

The nasties are bad,
And you think you will die,
If you don't believe this,
Then give it a try!

I learned this the hard way,
Now I'm better you see,
But the bills and pill costs,
Were not friendly to me!

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Material reprinted with the expressed consent and misgivings of the original authors.