The Revenge of the Cucumbers

and other vegetable matters

You know how it goes. One minute we're discussing stillwater crappie fishing, the next moment we're talking about cucumbers. This little diversion happened in April 1998, and it went from bad to worse so quickly that I'm including one post that doesn't have poetry in it because, well, it belongs here.

From: jim woolacott
Subject: Re: Cucumber

Dan Williams wrote:

>C'mon guys, besides a bit of gas, what did a cuke ever do to you? After
>all, they are one of the free foods for dieters (non-pickled that is)
>and are really quite nutritious, so my dietician tells me. I think they
>are great if you soak them in vinegar for a day, or even peeled straight
>off the vine.

real men eat cukes.......my favorite is the lemon cucumber, sprinkled with
a little vinegar...absolutely delicious in a summer salad

would one of the more mentally gifted listers please do the mighty cuke the honor of a haiku?

my haiku is weak
i could eat cukes all day long
rest of you eat cake!

jim.....its a slow day at the woolacott house

From: Chris Knight
Subject: Re: 'Kucumbered

Jim W. wrote:

>would one of the more mentally gifted listers please do the mighty cuke the >honor of a haiku

You'll have to settle for mentally challenged, I'm afraid.

B flic salad days
looking for Mr. Goodcuke
sliced at bitter end

Sorry 'bout that, 8^)

From: Marty Wardius
Organization: Shadow Valley Clowndominiums
Subject: Re: Cucumber

jim woolacott writes:

> would one of the more mentally gifted listers please do the mighty cuke the
> honor of a haiku

How about mentally deranged?

multi-talented
sweet green fruit doubles
as marital aid

Back under the rock,

Marty Wardius

From: Claude Freaner
Subject: Re: 'Kucumbered

Will you settle for limerick, Jim?

There are rumors we need to squelch as
We sit here drinking our grape Welch's:
The mighty cuke
Won't make you puke,
It just gives you the bitter belches.

Claude

From: Richard Frank
Subject: Re: 'Kucumbered

Somehow I missed most of the cuke chat. You know how it is, sometimes
it's just too late to really get a handle on what's going on. Did
find this amonst my email flotsam, however, and couldn't let a bad
ku slide by without reply. Besides, with any luck JJ and Scooter will
join in and we'll pulverize this waxy green thread once and for all.
Rainman gave it a good try below but it was too soon and he only
ended up inciting the troops.

> B flic salad days
> looking for Mr. Goodcuke
> sliced at bitter end
>
> Sorry 'bout that, 8^)

Sure you are.:-)

Proud green Priapus
Who would dare to eat one whole
Circumcise and slice

Now you really can be sorry. :-)

richard

From: Leslie Benscoter
Subject: Re: 'Kucumbered

Sea the Kucumbers
A Holothuroidea
Is Pentamerous

Mouth is surrounded
Has contractile tentacles
Good with B flic greens

Scooter.

From: Blake Werner
Subject: Re: Cucumber Wars

We got incoming
Splat!.. my buddies bought the farm
we're in a pickle

From: Richard Frank
Subject: Re: Cucumber Wars

Dave,

So how much sense would Hamlet make if you only caught bits of various scenes?

Hamet: Zooks, where is my bare bodkin Lady?
Ophelia: Sheath thy cuke sir!
Hamlet: Nay, the cukes the thing where in I'll catch the conscience
of the King.

Rosenkrantz: Where is the salad dressing, knave?
Guildenstern: Know thee not? I will be no cuke to your lubricity.
Rosenkrantz: To England then!
Guildenstern: To North Cukeumberland!

Getrude: Polonius, where is my son?
Polonius: On the parapets with the guards m'lady.
Gertrude: What does he there?
Polonius: Ah, he speaks to a vegetable that he believes his father.
Gertrude: Fava bean?
Polonius: Cucumber, m'lady.
Gertrude: Poor boy. [Aside: the king was not so grand. A gerkin at best.]

Ghost: Swear.
Hamlet: Rest, rest, perturbed green spirit. A do recall you in your
salad days. I will avenge thee. I think?

Gertrude: No, no, the salad, the salad, - O my dear Hamlet-
The salad! I am poison'd. The cukes! Burp! Belch!
Hamlet: Oh villany! Traechery! Vile cuke. Burp! Burrrrp! The
poison envenom'd me too. Bur..., buuurrrp! O, I die,
Horatio.
Horatio: Those vile cukes! Good night sweet prince, and
blights of cukes belch thee to thy death!

(Enter the English Pig Ambassadors)

Fortinpig: Where is this sight?
Horatio: How these things came about: so shall you hear.
Fortinpig: Hear? No need my nose anticipates your tale. Cukes!
Pigs: Uugh!

[A dead march. Exeunt, bearing off the bodies: after which a peel of
ordinance and a round of farts are shot off]

see what I mean?

richard

[more bad poetry] [Front Page] [Escape to something much less tasteful]

Material reprinted with the expressed consent and misgivings of the original authors.