The Tambo Collection

The Tambo Collection

Tammy D. burst onto the flyfish list in 1999, fell under the spell of Haiku, and became a prolific bad poet.

The first entry in this collection is her somewhat colorful review of the Institute for Bad FF@ Poetry. It's not poetry, but it offers a little insight into Tambohood.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Institutionalies

You know, there was a time when I thought I knew what a long night was. Now I am not so sure. You see, tonight I had a 12 hour shift at work. It was slow, so I clicked on the link for the FF@ Bad Poetry Institute. Next thing I know, I'm wandering the aisles, looking around and BAM! The damn doors shut behind me. I called and called for help, but nobody came to my aid. Damnit, I was trapped and could not find the door. I clicked on every link in the place, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get out. Every click led me to a whole new world of bad haiku, limericks and odes. It was horrible.

Well it got worse from there. The lights went out. The only light I had was from my Zippo lighter, the one with the tarpon taking a fly on it that I bought on my last bi-monhtly trek to the Keys. Keys! That's what I needed... keys. But where were they?? I must have dropped them. It figures. I have no luck. I can't even catch a trout.

So, hopelessly caught in the Institute, I thought I might check things out. I clicked once blindly and found myself stepping into a parade of Maineiacs. It was horrible! And those accents! OH my. I quickly jumped right on out of there. Once again I clicked blindly, hoping, because even a blind pig finds an acorn now and then... unfortunately the pigs I found in the next place were murderous and conniving critters, much like the pigs I remembered from my youth. Oh man, I nearly passed out from fear. I grabbed my mouse, praying it hadn't gotten caught in one of the traps set strategically around the Institute and clicked again. I narrowly escaped. Cool! Finally, a room with something valuable in it. Rods! Rows and rows of rods... but what is this?? They had no spine! Oh no! Oh well, I picked up a Bruzer of a rod and headed for the next room, hoping to find an exit.

What luck! There in the next room were lots of vises and vices! I snatched one of those up and by the light of my Zippo, I managed to tie a few flies. I had nothing better to do and it would be a long time til morning when Mr. Knight came in to open the place up. Had no idea what I would do with them until I tried the next door and found it to be full of helpful information on flies and fly swaps. I quickly swapped a few and saved the rest for later. Never know when you might run across a room full of sea run 'gills.. hell in the institute, anything is possible.

I heard a great rumbling behind me as I was wandering aimlessly through the darkened halls. What could it be? It sounded like my ex snoring. Next thing I know I am blinded by the headlights of 100 Harleys, each with a rough looking woman on it, trout tattoos and flyrods strapped to chrome. What a sight at 3 am. I hopped on the back of one of them and off we went. Well we hit a bump and next thing I know, I fell off and landed next to the Roadkill. Only it wasn't roadkill, it was my mouse. Oh no! It was ok though, because behind the next door I opened, I found lots of odes to furry things, and said a quick good bye to my friend the mouse and continued on my search for freedom. I took a rest in the Garden Room for a while, because I was scared, half mad and tired. I left there and found a few commemeratives. I guess that really, that was the Best of the Wurst. The next room found me entering a raffle for the Bahamas. Chaz, Mac, the Colonel and Les were all there, exchanging Slam Verses. I joined them for a while, but since neither of them knew where the exit was either, I left them to their vices.

Good thing my mouse was already gone, the Cat in the Hat showed up in the next couple of rooms. That was pretty scary. I thought for sure I was just imagining things, but nope, there he was, in full life color, covered in dirt and DEET and still wearing that same stupid hat. I started thinking about getting off flyfishing, but realized that it was that very thing that caused most baby booms and quickly supressed the thought. I had to find my keys... and quick! I knew I could get out of here if only I could find them! All I needed was a magnet... yes, that's it.. maybe even a magnetic cow......

Chris... I hope that someday we have a chance to meet. I just want to thank you personally for locking me in that damned Institute all night. I've been practicing my karateku and I just know that I can take you. Anyone who would like to take bets on this bout, feel free, but I'm telling you now.. Chris is going down.. and not just in Bad Poetry history....

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Allan's Head

Hey Allan...
In case I don't get to talk to you before Thursday, me being off and having plans to fish non stop til Friday morning and all... enjoy getting those stitches out of your head!

Allan took a spill
Fell down went boom on his head
He got an owie.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Just plain bad haiku

Flyfishing haiku
Is funny to read sometimes
But sometimes its not

Some limericks though
Would really make me giggle
If someone knew some

I am however
Fascinated by your lines
Of poetry here

So keep them coming
Because you guys crack me up
With all of your wits

Not often you find
Guys who write fishing haiku
Much less on the fly

I love it don't stop
It would really break my heart
I would be so sad.

We must keep Jerry
Away from the keyboard though
His haiku no good.

He brings curses down
From the skies and through his roof
It makes for wet floors

Then he stands you up
When it rains upon your head
I fished wet alone

Tarpon however
Feed in the rain like snook do
And so do the trout

But we will go south
And fish with alligators
In a small canoe

One thing left to say
I hope I run faster than him
When gators give chase....

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Opposite Fishing

Hey.. can't help it.. I was bored!!!! Thought some of you just had no clue about saltwater flyfishing... so I'd thought I would do it up in classic FF@ Bad Poetry style and fill you in... am sure Jerry and the gang will agree with me for once.....

Gators and sharks and stingrays oh my
Just part of the dangers of fishing on fly
When saltwater flats is what you must try
If you are not careful, you surely could die

It's deep, dark and smelly, it must be the muck
To avoid it takes skill and a whole lot of luck
I can think of nothing worse than to get stuck
Near a big alligator, quite frankly you're f***ed.

Sandy spots with eyes, they surely will sting
Logs in the water if you step on them will bring
A big toothy critter to the top and you'll sing
While you walk on the water to escape the damn thing.

Windy conditions on the flats all the day
Make you cast poorly, wind knots all the way
Up your leader and flyline and surely you'll say
I hate this stuff oh why do I stay?!?!

You cast and you cast to the big waving tail
As it sits and it wallers, standing up like a sail
A bad cast and you spook it and surely you fail
To have a redfish to write about on email.

The tarpon they swim in the water and roll
And you cast to them thinking of flies that they stole
So often you find them in the very same hole
Agrravating and frustrating, they're taking their toll.

The trout you can find them everywhere
From 1 to 8 lbs you will find them there
Have seen them hit flies that were nearly bare
I've caught them so much I no longer care.

The jack crevalle with their aggressive ways
Come in the river and fill up the bays
A small one when hooked will fight you for days
Leaving you tangled in line sometimes until May.

Snook fishing is done best during the night
In inlets, on flats and under dock light
And oh how when hooked they put up a fight
They often make flyfishing salt seem so right

The people you meet who flyfish the salt
Aren't right in the head but its not their fault
They just don't know when to stop or to halt
Unless you hold up a beverage that's been brewed from malt.

Jellyfish stingrays and big fire ants
Are 3 things you don't want to get in your pants
Things you put on the stings will only enhance
The pain and the agony making you dance.

Except for the wind and the rain and the heat
Flfyfishing the salt just cannot be beat
And the occasional critter that you just might meet
Keeps you light on your toes and quick and your feet.

One last verse and I'll finish this ode that I write
To not mention the skeeters just wouldn't be right
They buzz around you in droves and oh how they bite
Never taking a break all day or all night.

I believe it is something everyone should try
At least once in their life before they die
To flyfish the salt is the ultimate high
Gators and sharks and stingrays oh my.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Surprised by Other Anglers

ACK!! This is addictive.. not good. I must stop. Someone please get here fast! Disconnect puter!! I can't stoooooop!!!!! Oh the humanity!!! Why oh why did you get me started????? It's not even winter!! Wait..I fish all winter.. it's not even Sunday!!

Here goes anyway...

Ass holes on water
Make target practice so fun
Need paintball gun

When you are crowded
Start talking loudly to self
They will go away

Voices in my head
Make me reach for gator gun
When they get too close

Is easy to spot
Colorful splashes of paint
On side of jerk's boat

Push pole sabatoge
Razor blade ring around it
Dig in it goes SNAP

A drain plug a day
Keeps the boaters far away
Sunken at the ramp

If you can read this
You are fishing way too close
Says the back of shirt

30 lb mono
Strung low between two islands
Jet skiers lose minds

4 oz. sinkers
Treble hook on jet skiers
Hold on! What a fight!

Sue K needs to learn
To camoflauge her truck well
To fish by herself

I hate this I do
Haiku is so addictive
Oh why can't I stop?

A boat from below
Do they make underwater
Power tools and such?

The weekend's a zoo
Find yourself a good night job
Fish during the week

Someone say Dr. Suess??

I do not like people that cram
I do not like them Tam I am

I do not like them on a stream
I do not like them in my dreams
I will not like them on the flats
I will not like them that is that
I do not like them on the sea
I do not like them close to me

I do not like people that cram
I do not like them Tam I am

Hey YOU started this!!!!

There once was a guy who got too close
Who wondered why I broke up his nose
With a big treble hook
And a shit eating look
While thinking up bad FF@ prose.

There once was a man who did not learn
That he should be filled with concern
Of a woman with a gun
Ain't PMS fun?
Get too close and you're gonna get burned!

OK.. that's it... no more.. I can't.. aaack!!!!! turning off puter!! Must work! Must stop this insanity!!!!

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Stripper fishing.....

>We have strippers here but they are fresh water. I am
>trying to fill in the gaps; what would I use as far as flys? What size rod
>would I need to handle these fish?

Salty strippers
Take off their clothes much faster
Because its so hot

Most strippers I know require big rods, in fact, the bigger the better. As for what fly to use, well, seeing as how this is a family site and all, I'm not going to come out and SAY it.. but I'll give you a hint... it's with you at all times. The filling in the gaps part.. well I ain't touching that one with a spey rod.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: PMD Ku -

When Pale Morning Dun
Down in the land of the salt
It is afternoon.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Natural Fly Fishing

OK.. I'll play

There once was a guy fishing bare assed
Whom I hooked in a bad place on my backcast
Well wouldn't you figger
My fly was much bigger
And when he saw that he was so emabarassed.

A 6/0 Adams
Buried deep in growing flesh
Dry fly or wet fly?

Flyfishing naked
Among dangerous backcasts
Cause nipple piercings.

From: Tammy D.
Subject: More (un)Natural Naked FFing Stuff

To: FLYFISH@LSV.UKY.EDU Wayne (inspired, no less) wrote:

>A big one rising
>Gorgeous day to be astream
>Fannies everywhere
>
>A big one rises
>The cast is right on target
>Wait, don't set the hook!

What's a gal to say?? So many rises, so little time...

Flyfishing naked on the beach is fun
But one bad backcast and your sex life is done
Just one fly in the eye
Of your little guy
And you'll be saying oh not tonight, hon.

ouch! kinda puts a whole new meaning to "being led around by the _____"

risers everywhere
she prepares to make a cast
Hey baby you free?

Bad FF@ Naked FFing Pick up (intermediate) lines:
- Hey baby, nice backcast!
- Whoa! I've never seen a rod that big!
- Did you bring any latex bodied flies?
- Can I check out your flybox?
- Does your rod have a nice grip? Want me to put one on it?
- Let's make that dry fly a wet one.
- I wanna tie you up like a 6/0 Adams.
- Let's hook up.
- That has got to be the stiffest rod I have ever seen, how's its action?
- I'm like a clouser baby, I get deep.
- Whatta wool patch!

Oh GAWD!! Who started this insanity anyway?? Lobster Dude?? See what you done to us??

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Flyku for Jerry

a fly is a fly
unless it isn't a fly
so what is it then?

synthetic fibers
do not a real fly maketh
unless you use thread

san juan worm you say?
bead head nymphs and clousers too
hipocrisy reigns

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Your favorite fishing hole

insert a loose lips ku here

loose lips on people
kill fish but loose lips on fish
often times throw hooks

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Re: Flies for ice fishing

frozen fly pieces
ice cubes on a barbless hooks
quick... where's my stirrer?

chainsaw maniac
bead head woolly buggers too
all for frozen fish

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Hellloooo... ellllooooo.... llloooo....oooo...ooo.oo

(excerpted from a longer bit of prose)

I could do some male-bashing.... would that help?
How about some bad poetry?

I've read all the 'ku
But still don't quite understand
The deal with the pigs.

Murderous pigs yes
And evil plotting and mean
But what breed are they?

Are they red piggies
Or the ones as black as death
Or maybe the pink ones.

And that Richard Frank
I hear he is the one to blame
For pigs and all else.

Oh and one more thing
Can these things be stopped with say,
Silver cow magnets?

From: Tammy D.
Subject: Geeez Guys.. was Hellloooo

Geez, I was only bitching moaning whining and griping to fulfill my constipational duties as a female! I'm really loving this place.

I don't know if it was the homemade wine we consumed mass quantities of tonight or not.. but do you ever just get a tune stuck in your head?? Can't get it out of there, no matter how hard you try??? Well, sing along with me if you would... most of you are older farts, so you should know this one....

A long long time ago
I can still remember how those redfish used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make a steelie dance
And maybe I'd be happy for a while.
But January makes me shiver
With all the snow that it delivers
Ice slick on my doorstep
I fall every time I step
I can't remember if I cried
When I saw all of the salmon died
But something froze me deep inside
The day I finally tried...

And they were singing
Bye bye Miss Saltwater Tambo
Took an airplane and a ferry just so you would know
Boot them good ole boys with their photographs shot
Singing this could be the fish that you caught
This could be the fish that you caught....

Did you write the book of flies
And do you have faith in fishin lies
If ole Lefty tells you so?
Oh do you believe in C&R
Can Loomis help you cast real far
And can you teach me about smelt and parr
Well you'd know that I just love to fish
If you'd heard me make my New Year's Wish
A steelie please for me
Or maybe two or three Oooo
I was a good damn pro at a salty chuck
Landing alligators with a pick up truck
But I knew I was out of luck
The day I finally tried.

And we were singing...

Bye bye Miss Saltwater Tambo
Took an airplane and a ferry just so you would know
Boot them good ole boys with their photographs shot
Singing this could be the fish that you caught
This could be the fish that you caught

Well for months now I've been in the west
And funk grows fast on a fishing vest
And that is just how it should be
As ole Tam walked out into the stream
With a flask filled up with good Jim Beam
And a fly that came from south BC
Oh and while the fly was drifting down
A cutthroat stole it, slurped it down
The trout then was reeled in
Celebrating did begin oooo
And the steelies took their only chance
They passed the run and then taildanced
I tried to recall the fishing chants
The day I finally tried.....

Chorus

Now, it goes on and on from here, but since it is SUCH an addictive song, I won't get into the Trout be Nimble Trout be Quick verse, or any of the other ones with you... as I don't wish to subject you to the same horrors that I have been subjected to all night. I just wish the song would go away! In a few hours, we will get up, and head off to the Gold River in hopes of hooking into a fish... and a good opportunity to take a bunch more pictures I still want to get. It will be a good day. Ken chickened out. We had bet on first steelhead. He's the pres of the flyclub... if he loses, he shows up at next meeting in dress, heels and make up. If I lose, well he is still trying to come up with something that would embarass me. So it will be Rory, myself and John. Oh happy day!

Hope you all have a wonderful time trying to get the song out of your head... at least I know I am not suffering alone...

Cheers,

The Tamster

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Material reprinted with the expressed consent and/or misgivings of Tambo, Bad Poet.